i’m not sure if there’s more ocean than there are people
or if there are more people than the ocean but
i know that if i drowned in any ocean,
all of the seven seas would feel it too.
but water has never been a friend to me
i have come too close to
drowning in my own shower
and i mean the shower not the bathtub
/
there are two ways to measure a body
in which we can count the pounds
but can we really count the weight
that is self contained within the skin
that fights gravity
that fights mental clarity
that fights itself
the body can fight itself
the head in my brain and the brain in my head
battle against my bones
building a force that could cut
through the strongest of riptides
yet i still sink headfirst
hitting sand and hitting porcelain.
/
i fell asleep in the shower one time
i can’t remember how it happened
but my body lay there curled up
a deep sea possum
i woke up an hour and 45 minutes later
sodden
both the wrinkles in my hands
and the thoughts in my head
i felt real fear that day
and not the fear that i went under
but
the fear that i resurfaced
i never finished my swimming lessons or maybe
i would’ve gotten to the part
where they teach you how not to drown
/
they’re saying
they’re saying
kick your way up
keep pushing the water behind you
but this body denies what i once thought possessed strength
the gravitational pull keeps trying to seduce me
but i cannot do it anymore if it means
that the entire ocean
will be tainted with my oil spill trail of trauma
i
can barely breathe down here
send more water to my lungs
make me one with the elements
so I blend right into the currents
